This is it

This is it. I did it again. And no, this is not the beginning of a Britney Spears song. Unfortunately. I went back to a nine-to-five. I did the responsible thing. By society, by life, by family. I'm not sure which one it is, but here we are.

Let me go back.

In April, I pulled my son out of school. Neither of us was happy. I had been laid off three days before Christmas because the company was going in a different direction. And my son was having a miserable time at school. Kids were not nice to him. So we left. We traveled the States. Then we spent time in Europe, with family and friends.

Liam and I did talk about staying in Europe. Building our life there, for the hundredth time. I lost count. But the idea wasn't appealing to us anymore. It didn't seem right. For the first time in a long time, I couldn't see myself living there. And Liam couldn't either.

In the end, we came back to the States. We left France right before it started to burn down. Literally. But that's a different conversation. Such a beautiful country. And it gets ruined with every passing day.

Some of my friends and acquaintances would love to move to Europe. But despite their dreams of Europe, America is where we feel at home. I know the grass can sometimes seem greener on the other side. Sometimes? Who am I kidding? For me, it always seems greener. Appreciating the life I actually have takes real work. When my mind wanders to all the lives I could be living, I lose sight of this one. I have to find what works for my son and me. And only us. Beyond the constraints others try to impose.

America works for our binôme. Liam really feels at home here. I can’t take that away from him. When he was little, I made all the decisions. I steered the boat alone. Not anymore. We steer together now.

I was lucky; I found a great company to work for. A great boss. And the truth is, we needed to settle. My son needs a routine. Damn. Routine. One of the words I hate the most. What is that?

But he needs stability. And with me, he hasn't had a lot of that. We've been moving a lot. I owe it to him.

This nine-to-five has to become the best thing that has ever happened to us. It has to. Besides, I'm happy to have a job in this economy. A job that can sustain our lives.

But I keep thinking, is this it? The next twenty-five years of my life. I'm not sure how to live with that.

There is something I'm supposed to be doing. And I'm not doing it.

Do you feel this way…sometimes?